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By: Austin Head-Jones
The students of Lewiston High School quietly wander to class like a flock of contented sheep. They gossip, joke, and bleat complaints about their homework. They assume that all is safe at Lewiston High, never knowing the demonic enemy that lurks in their secure cafeteria.
For all is NOT safe at Lewiston High School. Our classrooms and corridors are haunted by a terrible black menace: or should I say, a YELLOW menace? (Insert menacing theme song here.)
Yes, brothers and sisters, I speak of CHEESE! The pulsing yellow mass of souls-scorching decay has oozed into almost every packaged sandwich in the school! It writhes its way into our digestive systems in the innocent guise of Doritos and danish, but it is no less destructive than in its pure form. Good people of Lewiston, listen to me! Cheese is dangerous!
New York studies hosted by the Company Of Really Serious Scientific Problems & Llama Related Disorders report that cheese is capable of killing both llamas AND fully grown humans by seeping into our circulatory systems and clogging our arteries. Related research conducted worldwide by the International Bureau of Cheese Haters, of which your faithful reporter is president, reports finds just as chilling. It turns out that CHEESE can be traced as the main cause for the break-up of former Yugoslavia and was the motivating factor behind all London subway bombing since 1987! The evidence is clear: cheese is attempting to destroy humankind.
It isn't even content with the destruction of our bodies.
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