By: Dom Ward-Pistone
For my first editorial article of this year, I was told by the Chief Editor to write a humorous, yet informative article concerning the LHS school environment.  I began to ponder what exactly I would write that would be both informative and humorous concerning LHS.  Naturally I was not having the best of luck.  One day I had the article on my mind while I was walking through the Supermarket, and I came across quite possibly the most senseless, idiotic product I had ever seen in my life.  It was a package of ice cream dog treats.  At that moment I had a revelation.  It was a revelation that all editorial writers must have sooner or later.  I thought to myself, "Why… I shouldn't write articles merely for an informative purpose!  The true nature of editorial columns is the writer's opinion as to why something is either really, really good or really, really asinine."  And that is what brought me to my conclusion that pets are really just another product of human obsession.  I find it hilarious what some people will do for their pets.  People will pay top dollar to have their cats taken care of in a cat hotel.  Yes, it does exist.  Actually I think that there may be some use for a cat hotel.  It gives cats a safe place to stay while their owners seek help for their extreme gullibility.  Even more ridiculous are all of the special food products meant for canine consumption.  There are dog cookies, dog biscuits, dog candy, dog ice cream, etc.  Have you ever looked at the ingredients for most of these products?  Nine times out of ten the main ingredient will be garlic.  Why?  BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY PRODUCT A DOG CAN ACTU

ALLY TASTE!  The only reason why they like meat so much is because that is what they are supposed to be eating.  They only like garlic because it's one of the only substances with enough kick to trigger the miniscule taste buds on their flimsy tongues.  Dogs are not people, and I am sorry to say, to dogs variety is not the spice of life.  Furthermore, I have to say that dressing an animal in a costume is not the greatest thing in the world to do.  I, for one, think that seeing a cat dressed as a devil or a dog in a Chicago Bulls sweatshirt is definitely humor at its finest.  However, whenever I see such a farce the term "cruel and unusual punishment" seems to start beating on my conscience.  Animals were not meant to wear clothes, that's why nature gave them heavy coats of fur, which their owners conveniently shave off on a routine basis.  I can also assure you that when you find your pet's costume in a freshly dug hole, shredded into several indistinguishable pieces, and vomited upon… it was not because they loved it too much.  Basically, what I am trying to say is that most pets are not as intelligent as their owners would like to believe.  Basically cats and dogs do not care whether or not they are fed prime beef or pig intestines.  It's not as if they can taste the difference, unless it has been severely seasoned.  I am not saying that I do not like pets, I myself have a cat and a dog.  All I'm saying is that most of the little "extra" things that people do for their pets are only going to lead to annoyance for both the pets and the owners.  I think that a pet ought to be fed the best food on a regular basis, rather than randomly awarding them with it.  Really it's the simple things that I would imagine a pet to enjoy, such as routine walks and a great deal of attention.  A pet hotel, to me, is beyond ridiculous… it's ludicrous!  That's just my opinion, I'm sure you have your own.

The New Girl in Town

live in Maine. See, I'm used to people having all of their teeth and eating stuff that I ordered from France and Italy. From what I understand, whenever one of you has a tooth that hurts, you just pull it out, and you eat whatever got run over on the street, or what was accidentally thrown away in a garbage can.  Plus, I'm used to people actually bathing every day with fancy soaps that are shaped like flowers and only the finest shampoos. I heard that you guys just wait until it rains and then use some vegetable oil and turpentine.
So, you now are probably pretty impressed with my lifestyle. I must seem like royalty to you! You may be saying to yourselves, "Us folk've never seen much of them there Holl'wood types b'fore. I reckon that them must be pertty nice to walk from Cal-i-fornia to li'tle Maine like that so good." Well, I took a private jet actually, but nice try. The reason why we moved to Loomigeon, Maine was because we wanted to get out of the glamour and bright lights of Hollywood and into the modest and broken down living of simple and, uh, special people.
In conclusion, I hope that those few Mainers out there that aren't illiterate will read this article and accept me into their boring and meaningless lives.  I will also try to keep you all updated with how my brother, my parents, and I are adjusting here. Thank you.

By: Melanie Morin

Hey, hey, hey, LHS! My name is Tiffany Groening and I'm super psyched for high school to start, aren't you? You probably don't know who I am. I just moved here from Los Angeles, California! I know you're all probably wicked jealous of me because I come from a huge city and you just come from some no-name town in Maine. I'm really just a regular kid, though, I'm just a little better than you, that's all.
You all will have to bear with me as I adjust to, um, Louiville, or whatever. I'm used to going to school with celebrities and really important people, but now I'll have to be with common folk, like you. In L.A., me and my friends would have our maids and stuff do our homework and then we'd go jetskiing, horse-back riding, and we'd get plastic surgery a few times a month, although everyone says that I don't need it. Here in, uh, Lewocean, I'll have to do what you people do like, some of your homework, potato sack races, and watermelon seed spitting contests.
It might also take some time for me to get used to the people that