Some Really Important Stuff

By: Jeff Lagasse

Looking back on some of my past Blaze columns, I came to the realization that I hadn't really written about anything that would be considered "important" beyond the boundaries of LHS. Columnists-- or so I hear-- are supposed to trivialize important topics for the purpose of humanizing them, as opposed to trivializing trivial topics for the purpose of getting a good chuckle on the john. I was going to write a blistering article on socks... a real hard-hitting expose on sock wearing in the new millennium (even though it hasn't started yet). But instead I decided to tackle something a little more-- oh, I don't know-- journalistic. I decided to write about politics, and the reason I'm the only columnist who will tell you this in advance is because I'm the only one considerate enough to give you fair warning to turn the page if you want to. I suggest you stick with me, though, because I'm an ego-freak and I love it when my readers read the whole thing.

I'll start by talking about the more interesting race, the one for the Republican candidacy. The nickname for the Republican Party, in case you didn't know, is the "GOP," which stands for Geriatric Old Poops. In order to be a Republican candidate for the Presidency, you must be at least a hundred and ten years old, you must have age lines in your face that make you look like a topographical map of Colorado--

and you must be a devout hypocrite.

John McCain, who was the underdog only a few months ago, is now in the lead for the Republican candidacy. The reason he has overtaken his rival George W. Bush is because McCain is the only candidate who draws comparison to an action hero, who are typically cooler than non-action heroes. His war record and five and a half years in prison have given him an action-figure mystique:

"New from Matel, Air Combat McCain! Complete with machine guns, daggers, night-vision goggles, and deep-sea diving gear! Sold separately, the McCainmobile, complete with rockets and retractable propeller!"

McCain is so popular because he seems like the only guy running who would be able to pull off all of Harrison Ford's stunts in "Air Force One." Wouldn't you like to have a President who knows how to disable a bad guy by karate-chopping him in the neck?

His opponent, George W. Bush, is trailing because every time he smiles, all the flowers around him die. In fact, if you squint real hard and look at him on a TV with bad reception, he looks a bit like the Grinch. He loses a bit more credibility every time he talks. All of his speeches and debates can be summed up like this: "Waaaah! Waaaah! Daddy said I would win! Waaaah!" The only thing that Bush has in his favor right now is that he looks infinitely better than his father does. George Sr. looks like a wilting Picasso. George W. can at least shave without holding the sagging pockets in his face flat with his hand.

Now on to the Democrats: In order to be a Democratic candidate for the Presidency, you must be at least ten years younger than your Republican counterparts, you must have many extramarital affairs, and you must be ugly without the aid of age lines. The Democrats have no nickname because no "clean" one could be thought up.

Al Gore is the front-runner right now because his opponent, Bill Bradley, has no neck. Voters always vote for the guy that looks the best on TV, and Gore has Bradley beat hands-down. The only current detriment to Al Gore's campaign is that he is actually a marionette. No, really. Take a good look at him the next time you see him debating on TV. You can see the strings. And if you look hard enough at the guy standing next to him, you can tell his lips are moving.

Bill Bradley will never become President because his head looks like a pencil eraser. It's all chest until you reach his mouth, and even then things can't go right. He aspires to be an upstart underdog like John McCain, but he will never reach that goal because he is too hideous.

Well, that pretty much sums up the races as they stand right now. It's rather exhausting writing about an "important" topic such as politics. Thanks for sticking with me, and I hope my column has enlightened you and enriched your life. Next time, though, I think I'll write about socks.

Oh, you may be wondering whom I'm telling you to vote for. Write in Mickey Mouse. He's paid his dues.