I'll Be Home For Bomb Week

By: Jeff Lagasse

By the third day, I knew it was coming.

I sat in my government class, coloring little atomic bomb explosions in my agenda book, thinking that bomb threats were becoming more trendy than Fubu and wallet chains. "Surely," I said to myself, "there'll be another one today-- if someone's stupid enough to call in a bomb threat, they just HAVE to push for the full week off." Sure enough, midway through SSR Mr. Sykes's voice crackled over the intercom like an administrative Zeus, only instead of striking us all down with thunder he sent us all to the hockey arena; that way we could at least watch our breath form in the air as we waited to be dismissed. I would have prefered a Game Boy, but when your options are limited you take what you can get.

I know that every teacher (and probably a few REALLY dedicated students) will fix me with the stare of death for saying this, but the first bomb day was kind of a novelty. I felt exactly the way I do when the radio announces that school has been canceled due to snow, only in this case I get the sheer pleasure of watching my teacher's face completely drain of color as his or her chin drops slowly to the floor. I particularly enjoyed being shipped like cattle to the football field, then dispatched as cops patted our backpacks halfheartedly in the hope that they might find a bunch of wires or some dynamite sticking out of them. Terribly entertaining, although morally I'm bound to say that I feel bad about missing out on my education (not that I actually do, you understand).

Sometimes I find myself wondering what all the other students were doing on their half- day off. I ended up eating at Burger King and then spending my time in a friend's barn watching his chickens [do stuff to] each other. Not that this has any relevance... I just felt the need to share that.

By the third bomb threat, the whole thing was getting kind of old. Eating out for lunch every day was kind of neat, but I was losing weight from my wallet and instead placing it on various parts of my body. Parts that have no right to be as big as they are now. Thanks a lot, bomb day. Double Tai Bo for me.

On Friday, I was a bit apprehensive about rooting for another bomb day, because I knew that would be pushing it just a tad, and I knew that it would heighten the chances of pushing graduation back. This scenario would be wholly undesirable to me, as I have plans to bathe in cool Miami waters with the cast of Baywatch as soon as I throw that ugly blue hat in the air. On the other hand, it had been so long since I had had a full day of school, and I wondered if my brain would be a lump of lukewarm pancakes by the time the day was over. Fortunately, I made it through the day with a mild headache and a blurriness in my vision. Nothing a good dose of Aspirin and a healthy smack in the face wouldn't cure.

As interesting and surreal as the week was, though, I'm glad that the whole bomb fad has at least temporarily passed. I'm also glad that graduation will stay the same date-- at least for a while-- so my plane ticket to Florida will still be good. As for the people who called in the threats... well on the one hand, shame on you for getting chuckles from it. On the other hand... thanks for letting me sample a quart of Luigi's spaghetti on a Wednesday afternoon.

And you thought the whole bomb thing was a waste.