Roger, Big Chief

By: Jeff Lagasse

School can be a scary place. I'm not talking about the other students (although a few of them can tend to look like refugees from the cast of Judge Dredd); I've learned to deal with the weirdness of other students, mostly by comforting myself with the fact that I'm much bigger than them. What's scary is the other beast that roams the hall, hands placed precariousley over invisible holsters and a set look

of determination in their eyes: authority figures with walkie-talkies. Surely you've seen them. You may even have heard a squawky voice emitting from the ill-concealed contraption during lunch period as they pace the cafeteria floor like jail wardens.

"Mother, this is Big Bird, we've got a guy shooting peas out his nose in quadrant four."

"Roger Mother, I'm on my way. Over."

Now, I'm sure that the walkie-talkies evolved out of some sort of necessity for them (like nabbing the guys who try to sneak in a reefer before fourth period-- you know who you are), but the sight of them can be a bit unsettling, particularly in the wake of so many school tragedies in the past year. To counter this effect, here are a few suggestions for the walkie-talkie users to make them seem less menacing.

One: Wear lots of baggy clothes. Part of the intimidation that the walkie-talkies inspire comes from the fact that they are accompanied by the standard suit and tie. If you wear jeans that show off the teddy bear tattoo on your left buttock, or perhaps an extra-extra large shirt with bands such as Korn or Limp Biskit adorning them, you'll connect with a large portion of the student body almost immediately. Plus, you'll have a place to hide that squawk-box that's all too obvious.

Two: Form a barbershop quartet. What better way to improve the students' collective morale than by greeting them with a song every day? The bright-colored dress and catchy little tunes will be just the thing they need to put a smile on their just-got-up-don't-bother-me faces. Plus, you can place an open guitar case on

the floor and watch the quarters start pouring in. With the money you make you can buy new textbooks to replace those ancient volumes that are stained with dog pee.

Three: Use carrier dogs instead of walkie-talkies. Living in a hickified state like Maine, carrier dogs are sure to be found in just about every cow-town north of Augusta. The loveable little pets will prove effecient for relaying messages back and forth, and if trained properly, they can even check your mail for you. Animal loving students will flock to the pups, and you'll look like a backwoods grandaddy instead of the head of an inner-school S.W.A.T. team.

But please, if you do use the dog idea... don't let any of them near the textbooks.